30 Before 30

When deciding to start a blog I struggled with what my first post would be. A friend suggested I write an “About Me” post but I truly did not even know where to start. So many things I wanted to write about and yet nothing would come out. I decided to share my 30 before 30 lessons with you all first. To get a sense of where I’ve been, where I’m at and where I’m going. My 20’s were a cluster fuck. I will probably need therapy for the rest of my life. I had so many moments I wish I could relive, so many I wish I could forget and so many things I wish I could change. I made a lot of mistakes, accomplished so many great things, suffered a lot of trauma and made a significant amount of growth. I can’t believe they are finally coming to an end. I am so excited for my thirties, but eternally grateful for all the lessons I learned including all the people who came in and out of my life and everything in between.

1.       Be Patient – Fun fact about me, I’m a control freak. When I don’t have control I get super anxious. It’s one of the reasons why I am a compulsive planner. I always feel like I have to have everything under control and in line. Well, my 20s repeatedly taught me that I didn’t control much of anything. It taught me to be patient with myself. To take a moment to indulge in moments, to feel what I needed to feel and to know that there’s time to fix things and get them done. As a New Yorker I’m naturally super fast-paced, but slowing down is okay. Be patient with yourself and with those around you. Understand that there is always a way and a solution.

2.       Healthy love exists- I spent 90% of my twenties in unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships with men, with friends and with myself. Now, understand this, I had a very healthy childhood. My parents have been together almost 40 years. Yet, I rapidly fell in to a domestic violence relationship that took me ten years to get out of, I had such a low self-esteem and I could never let go of friends who were no longer positive in my life. The notion of “loyalty” made me stick around in relationships that were abusive because I felt like I couldn’t walk away. At 28, I found an amazing man. He’s my unicorn. He taught me that healthy love exists. Find someone who will call you first, takes interest in your day, pushes you to be your best, spoils you, loves you genuinely, communicates with you, buys you your favorite foods, will cuddle all day with you on a rainy Sunday and never lets a day pass where they don’t tell you how much they love you. Someone who plans with you, includes you in their life and shares responsibilities with you. Make sure they remind you every day that you are beautiful. As for yourself, YOU are your 1^st priority. And friends, well they come and go. Accept it and make new ones.

3.       Work a demanding job where you are underpaid- Y’all are definitely going to think I’m crazy for this, but hear me out. The truth is I’m a Social Worker and so I’m sure most of my career will be underpaid and underappreciated. That’s okay. I didn’t become a SW to be rich. BUT, At 23 I took a city job that was Absolutely. Utterly. Insane. The work load was intense, the stress was high and my check never seems to be enough. Why would I encourage anyone to do this? It taught me so much. I learned time management, coping skills, work ethic, the need to avoid complacency and how to value myself and my craft. I am a damn good Social Worker and I bust my ass, but had I not had that job I probably would not value the need for a better one. I would not have pushed myself to get a Graduate degree, pursued my LMSW and I would have settled. Don’t allow it to make you disgruntled. Accept the challenge and when it is time to move on, DO IT.

4.        Self-Care- I could write an entire book and why self-care is so important and all the excuses we come up with as to why we can’t do it. Truth is I am still struggling with this. I became a mom at 20 years old. I dedicated my entire life to my daughter. I only ever wanted to be a mother so, I loved doing this. I lost myself. I did not have hobbies, I stayed in a bad relationship thinking it benefitted her, I didn’t travel and I didn’t even know what I liked anymore. One day, when I woke up and didn’t have my children I didn’t know what to do with myself. I would literally cry because I had nothing to do without them. I know, this is sad, but it’s my truth. You can’t put someone else’s oxygen mask on until yours is securely fastened. Take the moments to yourself. Have alone time, find a sitter, find a hobby, take a class, make a frozen pizza for dinner, sleep in, go away even if it’s only for a weekend and of course, buy shoes. Don’t ever stop building yourself and finding new ways to release your stress and tension. You’ll appreciate yourself for it.

5.       Personal Identity- Funny how this is strategically placed under self-care. I really had another woman try to demean me because I am a professional, working mother. Could you believe that shit?! So often we get caught up in men, motherhood, family and friends and when we remove those aspects of our lives we don’t have anything that define us. You’re either Mrs. Whatever HIS name is or so and so’s Mom. NOPE. I have my OWN identity apart from the beautiful additions in my life. I’m always debating with my married friends regarding changing their last name. I could never drop my last name. Add to it? Sure. But never completely change it. It’s who I am. I was born an Anderson and will die one. With my career- I LOVE being a Social Worker. It is who I am. I have an innate need to help people. I found a career that allows me to empower people every day. I worked hard for my Master’s Degree, my State License and I work hard at my job. Don’t give this up for anyone. Including your children.

6.       READ- Okay so I’m technically a Millennial (whatever) anywho, with that being said, we are so accustomed to our flow of information coming to us by the distorted media, or from fake articles being shared on social media. Stop this. One of my most devastating moments of my twenties was the invention of E-Readers. Put the tablet down. Pick up a book. Feel and smell the pages. READ. Shit, start a book club, grab some wine, put the kids to sleep, turn the TV off and READ. Be informed. There’s nothing cute about uninformed, uneducated, opinions.

7.       Find friends who support you but disagree with you- This almost seems like an oxymoron. I promise you it is not. Your friends should be supportive of you. Yes they should. They should cheer you on, encourage you but they also need to call you out on your shit. They’re entitled to their own opinions. Even if you don’t agree with their choices. As long as their decisions aren’t toxic. Fuck it. It’s their life and you have your own life and choices to make. But respect your differences. Debate, listen, debate some more and laugh about it. Relationships aren’t true and real if your friends don’t tell you, you’re wrong sometimes.

8.       Cry and make peace- I promise y’all, I cry every day. I also have suffered a lot of trauma and well I’m a Cancer. We’re emotional people. But the truth is, crying is cleansing. It allows you to release. Allow yourself to cry when you need too and then pick yourself up and move on. Don’t be ashamed of your emotions. They are real and you need to feel them in their moments as they are happening.

9.       Live on your own- I moved out of my parent’s house when I was 23-24 years old. I moved in with a boyfriend and 6 weeks later his ass was out. Just didn’t work. Anyway, living alone taught me so much responsibility, financial control, helped me to honor my personal space, allowed me a sense of independence and freedom and showed me just how much I am like my mom. It allowed me to be comfortable in my skin, to make my own decisions and to be as proactive or as lazy as I wanted to be. After leaving your parents’ house, but before living with a spouse live on your own!

10.   Take care of your body- Okay guys, I’m a hypocrite. Just because I learned this doesn’t mean I do it. I’m getting better at it. The truth is I beat my body down. At one point obesity took over my life. Then being too skinny consumed my life, but never was I just healthy. Make it a lifestyle. Exercise regularly, go to the doctor’s, walk, sleep, have a relaxation technique and most importantly LISTEN to your body. You know when something isn’t right.

11.   Make a bucket list- This is pretty straight forward. There are so many things waiting for you. Places to see, memories to make, things to learn. Make a list. Hold yourself accountable and get out and do them. Even if you hate it. Try it!

12.   Grief is deep, complex and lasts forever- This is so personal for me. My 20’s took so much away from me that I will be grieving until the day I die. I lost children. Did y’all read that? I lost my CHILDREN. My daughter Aubrey died at 14 days old, I miscarried at 9 weeks and my oldest daughter (who is not my biological child) was taken away from me because her father is immature and selfish. I lost 3 kids before I was 29 years old all in different ways. The pain of this never goes away. Grief has so many dimensions. It is not linear. It does not have an order. It will devastate you. It will bring you to your knees. It will cripple you. It will empower you, it will motivate you and it will even soothe you. The memories of everything I lost live inside me. Sometimes I am angry at how hard I work and how hard I love for everything to be ripped away from me, other times I am grateful I experienced those moments even if for just a moment. People tell you time heals wounds. That’s bullshit. It only teaches you how to cope. Grief is ongoing and everlasting.

13.   Mental health is REAL- Y’all… people are NUTS. Insane. Bat Shit Crazy. But the truth is, if we all were to be assessed by a mental health professional, we’d all have a diagnosis at some point in our lives. I have experienced Depression, Anxiety, low self-esteem, addiction, PTSD, sleep deprivation, struggled with suicidal ideations and even voluntarily checked myself into a Psychiatric Hospital. I like to call that chapter “Team Crazy.” But no, really… Life is HARD and unfair and sometimes it all seems like too much. Society still has such a large stigma on Mental Illness and good Mental Health Care. For crying aloud, I am a MH Professional and I struggled with meds to help me maintain my equilibrium. Again SELF CARE is crucial. Take a break, unwind, regroup and seek help when you need it.

14.   Self image is important- Okay no. I am not telling you to be a Kardashian. To spend all of your money on plastic surgery and to be obsessed with your appearance. You’re much more beautiful natural and without all the make-up trust me. But this is something I struggle with still. Taking pride in what you look like. If I could be in my boyfriend’s T-shirt and sweats all day every day I would. That ain’t sexy. Wear a pretty dress, learn to walk in heels, have a go-to little black dress, accentuate your curves, get mani/pedi’s, try something different with your hair and make yourself feel as beautiful as you are. When you look good, you feel good. 

15.   Set goals in small increments- I’m overly ambitious. I always feel like I have something to prove. It’s nonsense and it’s why I am always so stressed. I take on much more than I can chew. I feel like I always need to be doing something. It wears me thin. Having goals is a must. But Rome was not built in a day. Set small goals. It takes about 28 days to create a habit. If you focus on one thing at a time, the chances of you being more successful are greater. And refer to #1, be patient with yourself. Pep talk yourself through things and stick to your plan.

16.   Parenthood is a JOB, but the most gratifying job you will ever have- My mom likes to say I came out of the womb wanting to be a mother. I can’t remember that day however; I know I always wanted to have a ton of children. Well, life had other plans for me. The devastating truth is I cannot carry a full term pregnancy and reproductive issues overwhelmed my body since I was 14yrs old. That didn’t stop me though. I became a mom at 20 years old to a child who was not biologically mine and I could have never loved anyone more. I CHOSE to be her mother and I would choose her again 1000x. At 27 I became pregnant with my first biological child and felt like I won the lotto. Despite all my complications I was in love with being pregnant. But LORD is it HARD WORK. Pregnancy was intense, labor is intense, molding and raising another human takes a lot of time, patience and skill. That’s when you realize you don’t know anything about anything. You learn so much from your children, that they practically raise you.  My children are my happiness, my motivation and my entire world. Despite not having them physically with me I will be their mother forever and they will own my heart. Despite the outcome, I would chose them and my journey with them over and over again.

17.   Everyone has a struggle- Nobody’s life is perfect. NOT A SOUL. We all have trials and tribulations, an untold journey, moments that make us vulnerable and weak and daily struggles. Your struggle is not more important than someone else’s. Your rock bottom may be where the person next to you is breezing through. Don’t measure anyone else’s pain by your pain and vice versa. These aren’t comparable. Be kind and compassionate, understanding and empathetic. Someone who is having a rough day may just need a smile. The grass isn’t greener on anyone’s side. Your grass is your grass. Take care of it and don’t worry about the next person’s lawn.

18.   The hustle is sold separately- This again is for my Millennials. We are so lazy and so entitled. We really were spoiled by our parents, by technology and society holding our hands. Guess what?! It’s time to grow up. If you want something, you have to work for it. That’s the trick to making it in life. HARD. WORK. You need to hustle. And never stop hustling. There is no fairy godmother, no genie with three wishes and you are definitely not a long lost Princess waiting on prince charming in a tower. You create your own destiny. So get off your ass and make it happen.

19.   Girls night is a must- LADIES. LADIES. LADIES. Your significant other does not own your life. You need time with your friends. Just girls. To see a movie, have a drink, unwind and complain about your kids being assholes (cute ones of course), to talk about your dreams and aspirations and how much you want to strangle your spouse when he puts his feet on the coffee table all while screaming at the TV during Sunday Football. AGAIN, have your own identity apart from your relationships. Your man does not need to be included in everything. Take time away from him. He’s not going anywhere and if he does then let his ass leave!

20.   Communicate is key- People are not mind readers. It’s really that simple. Speak up for yourself, educate people when they offend you, share your journey and experiences and never stop expressing yourself and what makes you comfortable, uncomfortable and what you are looking for. Nobody can be blamed for not understanding you and your needs if you don’t communicate them. Do not be a doormat. Your opinion matters and your voice needs to be valued. USE IT.

21.   Embrace discomfort- They say when God wants you to change he will make you uncomfortable. Well, I totally get that. I am a creature of habit. Change makes me uncomfortable. I am much more incline to staying in a negative situation where I am unhappy because I am used to it rather than using my discomfort to bring me to better things. I’m working on it. Pain is growth. Trauma puts things into perspective. When something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. It’s time to move on. Be open to change coming in to your life and welcome it like a fresh new friend. And if that doesn’t work, move on again.

22.   Appreciate people who don’t like you- This is one of those things where you’re probably saying Huh?! But guess what dear, not everyone is going to like you. The sooner you understand that the better you are. I am loud, obnoxious, opinionated and have a strong character. Most people who don’t like me that’s why. They’re not “haters” per say (although some are). I’m just not their cup of tea. That’s cool. I don’t like tea anyway. I still respect them and appreciate their differences. No beef. Best wishes. And let’s move along. They do not need to occupy space in your mind. They don’t like you anyway.

23.   Change your mind- Y’all I can never make a decision. Not on what to eat, what curtains I want to put up, where I want to go on a Saturday night because I feel like everything is always definitive so the first time I have to get the decision right. That’s nonsense. It’s okay to change your mind. Try it out. If you don’t like it, change it. If you love it but get tired of it, change it. If you want something new, change it. As long as you don’t hurt anyone in the process, change your mind as often as you’d like.

24.   The future is minutes away, PLAN- I’ve been telling you guys about all the things that make me nervous and anxious right? About my control and my excessive planning (don’t worry I see a Therapist) but the truth is look how fast my 20s flew by. The future is coming whether we like it or not. You know when and where you were born but you don’t know where or when you’ll die. You need a plan. Living through life free spirited and frivolously is great until you haven’t accomplished anything. Find a healthy balance and plan for your future. Your finances, your career, your family all deserve stability. It’s time to start adulting.

25.   Take chances, be spontaneous and have adventures- Again, funny ironic placement on this list. I didn’t say never be spontaneous and free-spirited. BALANCE was the keyword. I never take chances. Hell, my first date with my boyfriend my sister forced me to go because I was stepping out of my comfort zone. I was going out with a guy I had never met on a Saturday night and leaving my kid to my sister to take care of? Who was this person? Well look how it worked out…He’s the love of my life. Download a dating app and meet people. Go sit at a bar and spark conversation. Hike. Travel. Go snowboarding. Take a new class. Jump out of a plane. Ride the rollercoaster, Indulge in good food, plan date nights, have a one night stand (use protection), learn different cultures. We only have one life to live. Live it to your fullest potential. Oh, and take LOTS OF PICTURES. I love capturing memories.

26.   Learn how to cook- Cooking is my therapy. I’m not telling you guys to love it like I do. But come on. There is no reason why you cannot cook. YouTube literally does it step by step and if you can read a recipe you can cook. Truth is eating out every day is whack. We all at least need the basics.

27.   Lower your expectations of people- This is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. I am driven, giving, compassionate and empathetic. Almost to a fault. I expect everyone else to be this way and get disappointed when they are not. Learn to meet people where they are. If you have fewer expectations, you’ll have fewer disappointments. Now with that being said, if people cannot meet your reasonable expectations then maybe they need to not be in your life. Next!

28.   Have secrets- In the age of social media we are oversharers. I’m very guilty of this. I document everything. But trust me. I have secrets. Everyone does not need to know everything. Also, move sometimes in silence. There are people in your circle who are waiting to learn what you’re doing next and make it a competition. Don’t give them any fuel. I have things that I will take with me to my grave. I won’t even confess to those things to my priest or even sometimes in prayer. We need those skeletons. They keep you on your toes.

29.   Believe in something and question everything- You need to take a stance. You need to have a belief system. I’m not referring to only religion. I’m a practicing Catholic and I do believe in my faith however; I’m not the best Christian. There are many things I question. I believe in my work but question techniques, policy and procedures. I believe in my family and friends but sometimes question their intentions and motives. I believe in my country but sometimes question how we operate as a society. Believe in what’s important to you but always question if that’s what is best for you.

30.   Be passionate- Do everything you do passionately. I am so passionate. I am passionate about my family and friends, about the man I love, about my beliefs, values and morals, about my career, my community and about life in general. I love sooooo hard. If I could pick a quality I would never change about myself it would be this. I am extremely passionate. Don’t half ass anything. People notice when you don’t give your all. Do whatever you want to do with passion. Like my dad always said, if you want to clean toilets make sure you’re the best toilet cleaner you could be! Do life hard. You only get one.