I am not a victim. I was a participant.

I have been so vocal about my experience as a woman who has lost a child, almost to the point where it has defined a big portion of my identity. There are so many other dimensions to me though, other struggles that have had the same impact on shaping the woman I am today. I guess the reason why I have never shared these experiences in a public forum is merely because I am too embarrassed to talk about and admit to them. But with the recent climate with spousal abuse being all over the news, my friends who vent to me all the time about their relationship issues and not understanding that they too are in unhealthy and unsafe situations, I think it’s time to share my story and how a 10yr battle with Domestic Violence tore me down and lifted me back up. I am not here to shame my ex-partner, nor am I here for sympathy. Just to break my own silence. This blog is a healing tool for me and I need to talk.

Regardless of whether you will agree or not, when you are done reading this, I want you all to understand one thing about my story: I am NOT a victim. I was a participant. I know this is going to piss a lot women off, but hey, it’s my experience. Most people are going to say how could I say this? But the truth is, while Domestic Violence is greatly about power and control there is also SELF ACCOUNTABILITY we need to take. For me it all came down to this: I allowed him to, and created the environment which supported him in being comfortable to do everything he did to me. Whether it was because I was afraid, in love, had low self-esteem, I was comfortable with the devil I knew, I was desperate to be a mother at all costs, I was trying to play a hero or any other reason I could come up with to justify different points in my relationship why I stayed, the truth is I STAYED.

I was not held captive, I was not sequestered. I left repeatedly and continuously went back.

This isn’t meant to have anyone look over at their spouse and dissect their every movement to leave them. This isn’t about regular arguments, or about trying to make myself look like this intensely strong woman. It’s about the lowest point in my life that because I was so unhappy with myself I thought I deserved the shitty treatment I got from my boyfriend. You know how most Domestic violence stories begin with it wasn’t always that bad… that’s not my story. From day one there were signs. HUGE FLASHING LIGHTS. Even now when I talk about it in private with people that’s the first thing I say to them, how it wasn’t always bad. That’s bullshit and I have to stop that. That’s just to make me feel better about even dealing with him to begin with, but the truth is, I knew from the beginning.

The biggest signs were…

Sign 1: He had a drinking problem. The first day he went to meet my parents he was shitfaced drunk. The signs of his lack of control were clear. His substance abuse would continue to get worse throughout the years and he would progress to stronger drugs. He would repeatedly lose control and would always chose the drugs. Nobody could win against his drugs.

Sign 2: He had mom issues. His mother unfortunately was not in his life. He did not have the emotional maturity to understand how her absence in his life affected him. Instead he objectified women, envied women and downright hated women. As I continued to advance and grow in life it infuriated him. He would do anything and everything to make me feel like I was never enough and I was inadequate. This fueled a lot of insecurities in me, but the real insecure one was him. I know this now.

Sign 3: He was extremely jealous. Some jealousy in relationships is normal. When you love someone you’re afraid to lose them. But this was crazy jealousy. He did not want me talking to anyone. He was intensely jealous of the relationship I had with his daughter and did not want me to do anything on my own. He made sure to know where I was at all the time. He would do the cutest things like drop off stuff at my job, but it was always when I wouldn’t answer his calls because I was so busy. It was a manipulative way to verify I was working.

Sign 4: He lived in secret. I knew none of his friends. His family yes. That’s how he pacified the situation. But truth be told he was barely around them. I was with them much more than he ever was. He hid his friends from me, where he was and what he was doing. It took me three years to find out about his criminal activity. I was slapped in the face by him getting arrested because I had no clue. I should have though. He was always out and about and drunk and high. This also allowed for him to cheat on me non-stop.

Sign 5: He was extremely manipulative and ALWAYS apologetic. This man would make me feel bad for being a productive member of society. I was bad for working, I was bad for going to school, I was bad for being a dedicated mother. It was his own way of tearing me down in order to compensate for his lack of progress and growth. He had to be the victim. The reason why he behaved the way he did with me was because I did not give him the attention he felt he deserved. But then when things got out of control he was the best apologizer ever.  

He never viewed me as a respectable woman, as an equal or as a partner. In his eyes I was beneath him because I was a woman and a strong woman at that. Well clearly within reason because I’m writing this blog. But I had a big mouth, I am extremely smart and I was always willing to express myself and fight back. Abusers hate that shit. They don’t want someone who is going to stand up for themselves, talk back to them or have a life outside of what they want for you. The more I did and the further I went in life, the more he felt insecure. In order for him to feel like a man he had to beat me down. He was too limited to do it in any other way but by using violence, and manipulation. My weakness though, I allowed him to see my insecurities which he took advantage of. The biggest one was not sticking to my word the 100 times I said I was done. The cycle was deep and real. I don’t need to count the times he physically assaulted me, forced himself on me or told me the most hateful things I have ever heard in my life. Nobody needs to hear those details either. The phone calls to my parents, my friends, the police. The OOPs, court cases I was too scared to pursue. Those details being said aloud won’t make the situation any better. What’s important is that I was so deep into this rut I felt like I couldn’t get myself out. I felt like I didn’t deserve better. I had this notion of loyalty that I felt to my relationship that I thought I could love him enough to get better. All I really did was I love him enough to make it worse. I enabled him. Everyone around us enabled us both. You know how many times my friends said “If you’re happy I support you.” I needed those friends who would say nah fuck this Ariel I can’t be a part of your life if you’re going to tolerate this bullshit. I don’t blame them, I’m just saying hindsight is 20/20. Because I tolerated all of his behaviors he became so comfortable in knowing that I would never leave him that he easily escalated to the point where there were no longer any boundaries or any limits.

On August 30^th, 2016 my ex beat me so bad in front of our daughter and niece that I was all bruised up, suffered a concussion and was out of work for a week. Jennessi saw. Its two years later and she still vividly recounts the details and subsequently resents her father for what he did. On this day she uttered the only words I ever needed to hear that got me out: “Mommy, I’m afraid Daddy is going to kill you.”  She begged me to leave him for good. And I did.

I may not have had the courage to do it for myself. For whatever the reasons were. I was used to it and comfortable. I didn’t want to start over and I wanted to be this hero and help him conquer his demons. But the humiliating truth is that my then 8yr old daughter had the courage, the intellect and the love for me that I didn’t have for myself.

Her father tore me down. But she lifted me back up.

See, from that day forward I vowed to her and her sister that no other man would ever treat me that way. For so many years I was a hypocrite and it was exhausting. I talked to my friends about abusive relationships, my clients, my peers and I went home to one. I never want to be that girl again. I was tired of being unhappy with myself. I was tired of believing someone else’s negativity about me and I was tired of perpetuating the false notion to the little girls in my life that looked up to me, that unhealthy relationships were acceptable and the norm. Again, notice all the “I” statements. I am taking ownership for everything I facilitated. I finally had to stand up on my own two feet and realize I was just as guilty as he was for allowing this bullshit.

It’s not easy. Domestic Violence is fucking SCARY. I would always tell everyone he wouldn’t really hurt me but the truth is, I’m still afraid he could kill me. This was just my way of downplaying the situation and explaining that If I felt safe, there was no real harm. I really fucking defended this piece of shit because I couldn’t explain why I wasn’t going to leave. I just wasn’t ready so I came up with all the excuses in the world that subsequently filled all those passing days.

I don’t know where I would be if Jennessi hadn’t begged me to leave him, or if Aubrey would have been alive and I had to deal with him. His final control tactic was taking Jennessi away from me. Not because he was the better parent or even wanted to care for her, but simply because he could take her away from me. He HAD to prove he had one over me. Normally, this would have drawn me back in and he knew that which is why he did it. Not this time. I packed her up and she looked at me and said “Mommy I love you and I know you will always be there for me, but I understand why I can’t be with you. This is daddy’s fault not yours.” I was at peace and I felt so free to move on and find healthy love…  

This shit eats at me still. I have nightmares, ongoing guilt and lifelong insecurities. But those negative feelings behind all of this are what guarantee that I won't ever get sucked back into this. I can finally say I know my worth and I won't ever give it up for nothing or no one. 

Anyone who is in a domestic violence relationship, I wish you peace, clarity and strength. Domestic Violence is not only physical and this is the most common misconception. If anyone you are with tries to demean you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually this is abuse. I hope you have the insight to look within yourself and see what you are allowing and why. If you see that your relationship isn’t safe and you can’t figure out what your role is feel free to come talk to me and I’ll gladly tell you what you don’t want to tell yourself. Ladies please, be honest, be powerful, be respected and most importantly allow yourself to be loved, PROPERLY, FAIRLY and SAFELY.