For the last year and a half I was in a relationship with a
good man. He provided me with love, comfort, security, safety and support. Everyone was so happy for me that I was "finally" happy, that I had a love I deserved and that I had a good man. I saw my life with him for many years to come. It was safe. It was comfortable. It was promising. Was it reality though?
Recently, that wonderful, amazing relationship everyone saw, ended. I have gone through every emotion possible. Anger,
sadness, hurt, betrayal, regret, panic, desperation, despair and confusion. I
have been beating myself up because for all intents and purposes I fucked up. But the truth is… that isn’t entirely true. My mistake was just the straw that
broke the camel’s back.
Let me start off by saying that I still love Juan very much.
I know Juan still loves me. And I guarantee I will love him for a long time to
come. He has deserved that. We are both angry and hurt, one more than the other,
and well break ups are hard and take a lot of adjusting. I was lucky to have
him come in to my life when he did. He showed me that healthy love was
possible, that there are good men out there and that I was capable of
dedicating myself to someone without the fear of being abused and taken
advantage of. But apparently, this wasn’t enough.
The biggest lies we tell, are the ones we tell ourselves. He
and I had been struggling for months. I would put up a front for social media
and my family and friends, I was trying to convince myself that the hurt and
pain I felt would eventually leave and I needed to just stay and let it subside
and work at it. I’m sure he did too. But we were in love and wanted it to work
and relationship are A LOT OF WORK. I still am in love with him and I still do
wish it could work, because I keep thinking about all the good things about
him, about me and about our relationship. Unfortunately though, the truth is
that irreparable damage had been caused many months ago and it just continued
to compound.
First let me say this… The fact that we were struggling is
NOT an excuse for what happened. What happened, just happened in that moment.
The situation just brought the truth of our relationship to the surface.
So what happened ya’ll ask that caused the break: TRUST. It
usually always is. I was drunk, he saw something he did not like, he went thru
my phone and now he’s convinced I cheated. He has his story, I have mine and
well it is what it is. But while that was the cause of THIS time, it is by far
not the only thing that was broken, nor did I break it first. This isn’t a
blame game either of who hurt who first, whose was worse and why one person can
forgive and the other can’t. I’m just saying, I’m not a monster and I have had
my share of things I chose to overlook, believe and move passed.
In moving on with the story, the details are not necessary.
He and I know what has been done before and what happened this time. The bigger
question here is WHY did this happen?! What was I not being honest with myself
about and why did I feel so comfortable to talk to someone this way when I was
intoxicated? I was so careless, I didn’t stop to think of my actions, the consequences
or how I was hurting him. And while I can say I have no recollection of the
incident (because I don’t), I can say that I didn’t remember talking to this
person that way (because I don’t) in all honesty if I sit and think I can see
that this isn’t the reason why we are broken and why we can’t be fixed. Things
changed about 3months ago and I never got over the hurt he caused me. Nor did I
realize how deep it hurt. When someone’s ego is hurt, bruised and damaged
things can never be the same, which is exactly why now he cannot move forward.
As a general rule us women, are much more forgiving
individuals. We put our pride aside, our hurt egos, and most times even our
best interest for love. We want the fairytale. We want it to work so
desperately that we allow our love to change us. That’s exactly what happened
to me. Juan and I are so so so different. We clicked very well and I loved his
company, but I had to scale back so much of who I was. It ate at me every day.
He would often tell me he felt like I was hiding something, like I wasn’t
always honest and he didn’t know how to make me more comfortable, but I was
just suppressing certain aspects he did not like about me, to make him happy
and he couldn’t fix that. Only I could, but the fear of losing something so
stable, safe and secure held me captive.
I can’t blame him for what broke us months ago. He was
honest he told me what he felt, and when he asked to fix it I agreed. Because I
wasn’t being honest with myself that he had hurt me so badly I couldn’t look at
him the same way. It hurt so badly when he sat and told me everything he did
not like about me and said hurtful things that played in my head continuously.
For months I never let them go. I became detached, so did he, I was angry,
resentful and I didn’t trust him. I questioned him a lot, I questioned myself a
lot and while we were going through the days and we were trying to move
forward, it was not changing deep inside.
Don’t get me wrong, I am sooooo difficult to deal with. He
put up with A LOT of my shit. He changed in so many ways himself and I saw it
in him how much he was struggling to find himself in this relationship with me.
Because he was a good guy I felt lucky, because I was a good girl he fell in
love. But like he told me “love isn’t everything and it isn’t enough.” And
because I love him, I was consumed this week with wanting to tell him every
chance I got that I was sorry and I would do anything. But now because I love
him I want us both to live in our truth.
It’s so very deeply hard for me
to accept this in this moment because I love him and I wanted my fairytale. But,
my fairytale isn’t meant to be found in a man, but rather in me.
I didn’t think I’d see myself turning 30 years old, single,
finding a place to stay, no children and heartbroken. But I don’t want to block
my blessings either. I have never taken the opportunity and dedicated the time
to focusing on ME. I was always doing something for someone else. I don’t even
know what makes me happy anymore, what I like to do for fun or who I really am.
I have been stuck in this Depression for so long and try to bandage it by
overcompensating all the time. Adding jobs, adding degrees, spoiling my friends
and family, being in a relationship where my only focus is that person. I don’t
stop to look at myself.
There’s no better time than now. People come in to our lives
for a reason. To teach us lessons. My last relationship taught me so much about
what I will not stand for, what my limits are and how to accept love. This
relationship taught me how important it is to love yourself.
See the truth is Juan and I would have eventually broke up
because the damage cannot build, they destroy. I have dedicated nothing to
fixing my damaged ways and therefore it is unfair for me to expect to build
with broken pieces.
I would have loved an opportunity to fix it, mainly because
I am a fixer. I always want to find a way to solve the issue. Plus love is
tough to let go of. Routine is hard to break and comfort makes you feel safe. I
felt like I deserved forgiveness and a second chance because I have forgiven
him and quite frankly I’m an imperfect human who made a mistake. And I am in
love with him.
What I didn’t realize is that he is giving me a second
chance- a chance to love, fix and be comfortable with me. A second chance to
find the greatest love there is, and fall in love with myself. He continues to
be the good guy that gives me what I need, when I need it without me realizing
it. He told me I didn’t give him the opportunity to love me that way he knew he
could, and guess what? He was wrong about that. He loved me so much that he let
me go to find myself. He showed me that I need to put myself first. He forced
me to realize that I need to be honest with myself. And as hard as it is to do,
I’m going to let him do just that. I am going to allow him to love me the best
way he can and allow him to let me go to find myself.
I know right now he is angry with me, and that will take
time. I pray in the future we can cross paths and at that time we are both
healed, healthy and in a good place. I have never been the one to be the cause
of why things go south, but truthfully, I felt so much missing a long time ago.
Missing in me, missing in him and missing in us, that it is unfair that I
insist on staying in a situation and ask him to stay in a situation where
neither one of us were our complete, happy self.
I feel happy to have had him in my life. He is a great guy
and one day he will find a great woman. Not that I am not a great woman. There
are so many amazing things about me. Some I know, others I have forgotten and
many more things I am still finding out. But, that does not mean I am the woman
for him. Only time and God know what happens next with us, but right now,
today, we are no more.
I am thankful for the support and love he gave me when I
needed it. I am grateful for the memories, the lessons and the challenges. I am
so sad to let him go. My heart hurts, deeply.
But I let go of myself and my focus should be getting me back.
I have a list of goals I HAVE TO MEET. I want to learn about
me. I want to love me. Before I ever try to love another person again. So thank
you Juan, for setting limits and boundaries. For being the bigger person to let
go. To hurt yourself and me enough to stop the cycle of just trying because we
love each other while we lose our true selves. I love you for loving me enough
to let me go and giving me the opportunity to FIND ME….
So while I thought I would be turning 30 with a man I was in
love with in my corner, I’ll be turning 30 with falling in love with the woman
I am. She needs me. I need her. And this is going to become my best
relationship yet.
