"Ariel, cannot be trusted."

“I’m crashing. My cup has runneth over. I need a break.” Monday night, these were the words I uttered to myself as I walked out of work. I had a patient who almost made me snap (a shitload of countertransference there) and I thought, okay Ariel it’s time to check out. In her defense she didn’t do anything but be honest and answer my questions. In my defense, I was not in a good mental space and the snap was coming very soon. It was an intake, and she expressed that she was having non-stop thoughts in which she couldn’t control. She recently gave birth and has been obsessing over the idea that her son could die. I wanted to tell her “You should obsess over this. My daughter’s dead and I never even considered that happening, why wouldn’t it happen to you?” Of course I didn’t say that but just the mere fact that I wanted to, was enough. I needed a break.

These last several months have been so emotionally and physically draining for me and it was all finally catching up to me. Working three jobs six days a week, hustling to save as much money as possible to move, trying to process a break up, Jennessi being in Puerto Rico and me having no communication with her despite trying every single day, Aubrey’s deposition and finding out just how negligent the hospital was in leading up to her death, me not doing anything for myself this summer but being present at everyone else’s activities and events, and listening to people’s issues day in and day out not only at work but in my personal life, all while never complaining and never saying no to anyone -- I was fucking TIRED. See what I did there? That long ass run on sentence where when you read it, you almost can’t catch your breath before it ends? That’s exactly how my life has felt these last two and a half months, like I just kept going and couldn’t catch my breath. I decided I needed a day of solitude because I just wanted to be able to breathe.

In all honesty, I am a thirty year old woman and I do not owe any one any explanations with how I decide to spend my days and my time however; I thought I was being responsible when I texted my sister “I’m calling out tomorrow I need a day to be alone.” She even offered me her house and I declined. I got home and my dad could see the stress on my face. He asked me “Today’s a bad day?” and I told him the same thing “I’m calling out I need to have a day to myself, to regroup” in which he replied, okay, enjoy. Kissed me on my forehead and I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning early in the morning, jumped in the shower, got dressed and decided to start my ME day early on. I turned off my phone, mapped out what I wanted to do that day and I was excited to disconnect from the world. Typically, my phone rings non-fucking-stop, every single day between emails, group chats, DM’s, FB messages, text messages, phone calls and social media notifications and I just didn’t want to deal with anyone else but myself that day. I made the decision that my phone was going to stay off and for good reason, I did say I wanted to be alone, right? I would have never even thought that a fucking circus act would ensue from this.

I don’t know who started what, but I do know the end result. MASS HYSTERIA. I promise ya’ll, just reliving this is causing me intense anxiety because I cannot even begin to believe that this bullshit even happened and that the people closest to me orchestrated this mess. My friends and family realized my phone was off and thought it would be smart to rile one another up. Long story being long, people were dispatched my NEW APARTMENT where I just got the keys to six days ago, reported me “missing” to security and had them intrusively open my door to not find me there. Phone calls were made to my job, to my ex-boyfriend, they even showed up at his house. I had 10 voice mails and over 35 text messages. It was 3:30pm and a fucking search party was sent out for me.

When I finally realized what the fuck was going on I lost my entire mind. DIDN’T I SPECIFICALLY SAY THAT I NEEDED TIME ALONE? I had a breakdown and cried for about the next 6 hours continuously.

See before you all jump to their defense and tell me that it was done out of love and concern I’m going to tell you this: I have considered that and guess what? Still does not make what happened okay, nor does it justify anyone’s actions. Remember a few paragraphs ago where I said I notified two people? One of who was the ring leader in this circus act. That was more than I needed to do. I am not responsible for the lack of understanding of what “alone time” meant to them nor the lack of communication amongst everyone who participated in this shit show.

Since this blog is about my perspective, let me explain why their actions upset me so much. Everything and everyone I was trying to escape just showed how needy and dependent they are with me, my time and attention, and just made me feel like no matter what I do to have me time, they will always track me down and find me. Their actions were intrusive by invading my personal space and privacy. But the icing on the cake was the explanation “well, we did what we did because we were worried.” I have asked repeatedly “what is there to worry about?” everyone has told me the same thing- “well we know the timing and you being stressed so we worry.” Okay, I get it, August 31^st is this week and we all know that is Aubrey’s death anniversary, so naturally my stress, anxiety and overall emotions are high. Wouldn’t this mean I need time to process? Why is this a cause to worry? Their actions and their worry translated to me as “We don’t trust you to deal with your grief and emotions alone and you need to be monitored.” My next question is, when over the last three years have I ever shown signs of wanting to harm or hurt myself? When have I ever been a cause to worry? And when I was at my breaking point haven’t I always sought professional help?

What they don’t realize is, they took away from my grieving process by projecting their own fears and concerns on to me and negating my ability to cope. So in case you are all wondering why I reacted to negatively to what you all did to me this week it is because you all successfully stole my progression and in turn, pushed me back down the slippery slope I had tried so hard to climb off of by simply telling me “You cannot be trusted.”

I know this was not the intention, but this is how it was received. And quite honestly, this isn’t about anyone else BUT ME, so my impression is really the only one that matters. In being made to feel like I cannot be trusted to grieve, it also implies that for the rest of my process I will be vigilantly watched, my actions dissected and be a cause of worry for people. This is the problem with people when we see someone else go through something we don’t understand. We judge, we label and we assume. I have been labeled as the vulnerable person who’s gone through the unspeakable and so therefore I am so fragile and delicate to the point that now everyone around me, pities me. My grief journey has now been diminished to pity.

Since then, my parents have profusely apologized to me, and so have some of my friends. But I don’t believe they really understood what they took away from me. My opportunity for peace. I have been asked to consider the perspective of others and isn’t that what I do every day? I consider so many other people day in and day out that I don’t ever consider me. I give so much and never give to myself. I wanted one day to just be the focal point in my own life and to focus on my own needs. So often people will tell me “you work too much,” “you need to be selfish and stop doing everything for everyone,” “you need to have time for yourself.” And yet with the way this day transpired, these same people told me “do those things, but under our conditions and in a matter in which we feel comfortable.” I literally got text messages that said “I’m glad you’re okay but don’t ever do that again,” “I don’t care what you think I would do this all over again,” and my personal favorite "you are not allowed to turn your phone off." How dare people tell me what I can and cannot do in my self-care and that my feelings are invalid because theirs were more important.

I am truly having a hard time in even accepting that this happened, because I have sat and thought about it for the last 48 hours and I honestly keep coming to the same conclusion “I am not to be trusted with how I cope and process.” I am overwhelmed. And one thing is for sure, I am very vocal about my feelings, vocal about my experiences and vocal about when I have had enough. I just cannot believe that the very people who depend on me daily to be responsible and reliable do not trust me to be that to myself, when that was the very intention I tried to execute.

My anxiety is now on maximum overload. I am intensely hurt by the people closest to me and now I feel like I need to climb back into my shell and continue the exhausting façade of everything is going just great. Ariel is not allowed to take a break, Ariel is not allowed to need space and time, and Ariel is not allowed to be overwhelmed because in everyone’s eyes Ariel is “the strongest person we know.” Yet, when the strong show signs of weakness, we cannot trust their judgment to help themselves. You guys have no idea what dents you caused in my mental health and well-being.  

I slept the next day for 14 hours. That’s how real my exhaustion was. I barely sleep 5hrs a night on a daily basis. This was three days’ worth of sleep. Today, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to interact with people and I do not care to hear any more I’m sorry, from anyone. People have said to me “let this be a lesson to both sides,” but no. I didn’t need a lesson and looking back I would not have done anything differently. I needed a fucking break. I still do. I need a day where it isn’t about anyone else BUT ME.

To those of you who were participants and to those of you who are reading, let this resonate with you and be a lesson of listening and empathy. Everything, is not always about you. We need to listen when our loved ones tell us what they need either verbally or by their actions. Sometimes, being supportive means respecting boundaries, respecting personal space, respecting people’s decisions and putting yourself in their shoes in understanding that we ALL need a moment to regroup. You are not the driver of someone else’s car. You cannot always steer the wheels for them, or control which way they are going. We need to trust the people we love will make the right decisions, and if they don’t, you then decide how to move forward from there. Jumping to conclusions, smothering and controlling another person’s process will backfire. And when the trust is gone, there is usually no turning back.