One time for the b*tch in the mirror...

Originally, when I set out to write this month, I intended on writing about "Dating in the age of Social Media," however; for whatever the reason, it just didn't call to me enough. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have noticed I am so apathetic towards dating at this point in my life. I thought once I broke up with Juan the last time, I would want to jump right back into things, but my spirit and my energy have not yet taken me down that path. I'll get there, and when I do, you guys will be the first to know about my experiences, but to be honest, my head is so far from that thought. Maybe some of that has to do with me not being 100% over my relationship, maybe some of that has to do with me focusing so much on myself, maybe some of that has to do with me wanting peace and quiet and maybe some of that has to do with being lazy and being tired of trying and "failing." For whatever the reason, I do now that dating right now is not a priority and I'm really good with that.

 Recently though, something else has been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like well, we should talk about it. Social media has had a big influence on all of our lives. Positively, negatively and just to pass the time. I do get 98% of my news from social media, I vent on social media, I praise on social media and I also feel like such a peeping tom following some of the most intimate parts of people's lives that I will never speak to again. Either way it has had it's ups and downs. What is the point of this rambling? Well, I noticed lately that I have withdrawn significantly from social media and communication with so many of my friends and family members that it seems as if I'm just ignoring the world. The truth is social media made me realize something so huge about myself about a month ago and I haven't been the same since. 

When writing my last month's blogs of my goals (which I am crushing btw) I noticed that I fell into the habit of comparing myself to so many of my peers and judging my life and my goals based on their accomplishments. Touche. I found myself almost in this envious yet admiring stage of I want what "they" have. A couple of weeks ago I had my college friends over to my apartment for the first time and caught up with them since last seeing them like six months ago. (I know we suck as friends, but whatever we don't miss the important stuff and that's what counts) Anyway, so often have I sat and experienced their big moments with them and while I am happy for them, I do feel a bit of envy. I've seen them all get engaged, married, have babies, celebrate those babies birthdays, treat themselves and the families they've created to beautiful moments and it makes me so often look around and really take inventory of what I don't have. I wish I could say that this was something I could easily stop doing but it's not. I have been doing this for so long. So often will I see my friends on social media and what they post and I often think wow, she looks so happy, her wardrobe is sick, she's traveling all over, her baby is beautiful, her fiancé/husband is so dope and it makes me feel so sad for myself and so inadequate.

I often catch myself thinking "Ariel what is it that you're doing wrong that you don't live life the way they do?" This is a slippery slope for me to be on, because I start looking for more ways to fulfill myself and chase my "happy ending" and in turn I end up overwhelming myself and working myself to death. I caught myself on this very slippery slope last month with making the decision to not go to school for a second master's degree. Funny what will happen when you're honest with yourself and right up until the week I was supposed to start, I struggled with should I go. Taking the time to really think, I had this realization and profound insight that school was not something I wanted to do for MYSELF. I was going because when I was with Juan Carlos, he did not want a baby and I did and so I tried to find a way to accommodate his wants and put mine on the back burner, all while still trying to feel "accomplished." I even found myself saying in my head shit Like don't none of my friends have two master's degrees so, they can have their families but I'm out here getting degreed. Clearly, this was not the healthiest of thinking patterns.

 Now, let's be clear about something, I'm not sitting around being jealous of all the people around me and constantly comparing myself to everything in their lives but the honest truth is that I do compare. Sometimes when I want to feel better about myself I take my inventory versus theirs and other times I take their versus mine when I'm trying to determine what it is that is missing. The truth is while I know (insert cliché saying here) "comparison is the thief of joy" I also know that while I'm sitting here doing this my friends are doing the exact same shit. It's human nature but such a bad ass habit to have. Trust me I know we all do this sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously but we gotta break the cycle.

 A few weeks ago someone asked me "how did it feel turning 30?" And I cringed. Ughh all that came to mind were the intense bad events that happened around my birthday and that I was 30 with no partner, no kids, no property, no dream job and just felt like I disappointed myself by not living up to my expectations. So I responded "30 was eye opening. " She herself is turning 30 soon and shared that she thought her life would be different at this point too. I found it so interesting when she referenced the almighty life guru: Carrie Bradshaw. She jumped right into it and was all like remember that time on Sex and The City when Carrie said "In New York, they say, you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment. So, let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous. Why do we let the thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one minus a plus one feel like it adds up to zero?" And with me trying to help her feel better, I had my own AHA moment. I questioned why was I so hard on myself all the time? I have a really good life. One that many people would love to have. Why am I so willing to take advantage of my own good and amazing qualities and accomplishments and define my success with someone else's ruler.  

Honestly, it's exhausting. Trying to catch up to your own expectations, your families expectations, your friends expectations, societies expectations. It really is never ending. Throw in social media where everyone parades their best lives and moments and now daily we're drawn in to the continuous cycle of the categorizing everyone, including ourselves as the haves and have nots.  I saw all this to say that as of lately this has been a big reason as to why I have shifted in my communication with so many people. I wish my friends, family and loved ones well and I will always clap for their success but I noticed that their lives, the good, the bad, the toxic, the successes, the failures was draining the fuck out of me. I was doing the absolute most with trying to keep up with everyone that truthfully it pushed me back, and made me obsess over every aspect of my life.

Since I have distanced myself and put boundaries, I noticed that I have started to really find peace. I'm comfortable with being alone in my own space. I don't feel rushed, I don't feel overwhelmed with everyone else's lives and I am able to wake up every day, look in my big ass beautiful mirror and clap very loudly for the powerful woman who's got it altogether looking back at me.

The best advice I can give anyone who catches themselves falling down the fire pit of comparison is to put the phone down, take a break from everyone else's life, look in the mirror and remind yourself of all the awesome things about you!  I will never get tired of clapping for my people but I definitely need to clap more for myself. In case you forgot YOU'RE THE BADDEST BITCH! 

Refresh. Renew. Rebuild. My road map to self accountability.

Happy New Year and Welcome Back!!! Oh how I missed you guys… I don’t want ya’ll to think I was ignoring your requests for more blogging I just been well… in a whirl spin.

For starter’s I want to say I’m sorry I haven’t written in the past three months. When I started this blog I wanted to aim to write at minimum once a month and I didn’t live up to that. I wish I could say it’s because nothing was happening and I had nothing to write about but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. 2018 was one of my hardest years man. I saw a meme the other day that said “I think I cried more in 2018 than I did in my first year of life” and boy oh boy did I feel that. I’ve noticed in my life pattern that every couple of years I go through a major shift. A great year of highs and then a year filled with a series of lows. It’s almost as if my life pattern is a bipolar female.

I started 2018 with so much promise. 2017 was a breath of fresh air for me for the most part and I was super excited to start 2018 with that same energy. I mean it started that way, as I began the New Year with a new job, living with my boyfriend, with a great circle of friends and with so many things to look forward too; but shit came tumbling down really quickly.

By the summer I was single and those months immediately after my break up were heart wrenching. I had moved like 4-5x between my then boyfriend’s house, my sister’s house, my parent’s house and finally getting my own apartment and I was frantically working myself to death to save up all this money to be able to do so. I realized my job was not the right setting for me and it became harder and harder to be the happy cheery Social Worker I was at work. I received devastating news about my daughter’s death, my family had to relive these moments in grave detail, I noticed a huge change in my friendships and in August I had a full blown mental breakdown. By the time November came, I was drained, withdrawn, was going through medical scares and I was just down right depressed. The holidays were coming, I had no desire to be festive (which is not me, I literally LOVE being Santa Claus) I gained about 15lbs because well all I was doing was watching shitty food and drinking wine every day, I think out of the seven days a week I argued 5 of those days with Juan over nonsense and I stopped talking to some of my friends just altogether, unless of course they hit me up, but those conversations were surface and minimal.

A few days after Christmas Juan and I had a very long conversation in which he basically highlighted to me that I was crumbling and not taking care of myself. He told me how I do so much for others and nothing for myself. I’m not going to lie, he pissed me off with this shit. I was like well I work three jobs, I’m starting my second master’s degree, and I take care of my house what more do you want? That’s my defensive side kicking in. But then I sat and really thought about it… When was the last time I took care of me? I took that night to cry and feel sorry for myself because I really was in this mood of “why can’t I seem to be enough for other people?” But the truth is, I’m not good enough to myself.

The next morning on Saturday I went to work and one of my 17yr old clients was so somber. She shared how she was struggling because she was so afraid of going off to College and she is so consumed with all the deadlines for College applications, homework etc., that she has completely neglected her own hobbies and she does not know what she likes anymore. She was crying because she felt like all her progress was gone. I spoke to her about the new fad of Vision Boards and how to use her artistic abilities to keep herself accountable. We discussed how to implement the same deadlines she gets at school to her own goals to keep herself accountable. The next week she game in and showed me her weekly vision board with deadlines written next to each goal and a check mark when completed. We explored what this meant for her self-esteem and how she felt about meeting her own personal goals. She was so happy that she was 70% done with her goals and only had three left for the weekend. She really inspired me.

Then it hit me… If I could help my clients reach their goals, why don’t I do the same for myself? I spent the entire evening exploring within myself “what are my goals?” “How can I practice self-care?” “How can I be better to myself?” And finally “how can I keep myself accountable?” Just for clarity, this isn’t a resolution post or one of those New Year, New Me shenanigans. I just want to share with you all the importance of being good to ourselves. It’s something I continuously preach but unfortunately never really practice. So here’s my promise to myself to do better.

Since as far back as I could remember I’ve had such a low self-esteem. I never really feel good about myself. Even now. A lot of people admire me for how hard I work and continuing my education and to be honest with you guys, I do this because I’m overcompensating. I’m at the core just not satisfied with myself and I continue to chase happiness. Sometimes in the right places, other times in the wrong places. It’s all a growing process. One thing is for sure though, I tried so damn hard to always make it look like I got my shit together and whew chile… am I here to tell ya’ll that I am a fucking mess. I keep going without taking breaks because I want to feel in control. I try to show my face for everyone in my life and their events because I want to show them I care and I don’t whine about my issues and problems to people because I don’t want them to worry and I absolutely HATE being coddled. But truthfully I am burning myself the hell out. My biggest downfall is BALANCE. I don’t know what that word means. I am so all or nothing it is ridiculous. I really have to do better. Ultimately, the reason why this reflection is so important to me is because I need to increase my self-esteem. Everyone should feel their absolute best. 

So what do ya’ll ask is on my Goals list? And how am I going to keep myself accountable? Well first I made a list of things I always say I want to do and never get around to doing. To make my list full enough that it’s worth it, but not too long that it’s unrealistic and overwhelming, I decided to make as many goals as there are months in the year. This way management of said goals is not as tedious as it would be on a weekly basis, because honestly I’m too busy for that shit, and yet I will still feel accomplished when I decide to reflect this time next year. When making my list it was pretty hard, not because I didn’t know what my goals were, but it was hard to make my goals ONLY ABOUT ME. It would totally defeat the purpose of focusing on myself when incorporating other people in to my goals list. I really had to check myself and erase a few of them once I realized I was going back to my typical behavior of putting other people first. I thought about my conversation with my client and the new fad of vision boards and considered having a vision board party but honestly, I’m tired of planning events and I just became so discouraged. So instead, I’m trying to find a way to keep myself accountable. I don’t do well with planners and all that cute stuff. I just can’t keep up on a daily or weekly basis. If you are one of those people who can this is a great tool to keep yourself accountable. I had to think a bit out of the box. Some of these goals are easier to manage than others. So let’s break them down.

Here’s my list:

1         Get my driver’s license- My parents purchased me classes last year for Christmas that I still hadn’t finished. I literally only did ½ the classes and made excuses for the rest. So I went ahead, called the school and scheduled all of my remaining my classes. This way I know they’re scheduled and I already have a set date and time to be there. Nothing is left up in the air. My accountability- Scheduling in advance.

2         Hit my goal weight and be healthier- This is going to be extremely hard for me. I love food. Food comforts me. How I eat depends on my mood. Yes I’m one of those. Anyway I decided to give up simple carbs and really drop these 15lbs. Then I’m going to seriously give it a shot at the gym. I recruited a couple of my friends and my sister as my support team to help check in with me daily. My Accountability- Having other people check in and be my partners.

3         Read 12 new books a year- This one was a pretty easy one to keep myself accountable for. I have a book list on Amazon and ordered twelve new books. I have them up on display on my shelves. I carry a book in my purse and make sure to read several pages a day. My accountability- Keeping my goal visible.

4         Take at least two vacations this year- Because of my switching jobs I didn’t take a vacation last year. I think this is partially why I’m so stressed. I already have one vacation booked. So I’m 50% there. The other one I need to book. I either A.) Gotta get over my fear of traveling alone or B.)Recruit a friend. My accountability- LOWERING MY STRESS LEVEL and getting my passport so it burns a hole in my pocket.

5         Try something new each month- This one I purposely left very broad. I would consider myself a very boring person and I’m totally missing out on new experiences. I want to try different things. New restaurants, museums, recipes, outings and experiences that I can check off my bucket list. My accountability- Making a bucket list and checking an item off monthly.

6         Write one blog post a month- This is a goal that really means a lot to me. Writing is my therapy. I struggle a lot with fighting with myself with just finding something I’m good and talented at and it really has been in my face all this time. Writing is my passion. My accountability- My followers HARASS me for new posts.

7         Practice self-care on a weekly basis- This is probably the most important one on my list. Self-care is also something that is so easy to do because there are so many options. I have decided to schedule at least two days when I can focus on ME and something that will make ME feel good. My accountability- scheduling dates with myself.

8         Hit my savings goal- This will probably be the easiest for me to do. I make a decent salary and I am very financially responsible. I have set a financial goal for myself. My plan is to put more than my expected amount in my savings account for the times that maybe I need some more wiggle room. I also moved my savings account to a make that is not very accessible so I can’t just run to the bank whenever I want to spend that money. I decided to make a budgeting spreadsheet to review my daily expenses and the nonsense I spend money on. My accountability- Budget and over plan to meet my goal.

9         Complete 7 classes towards my MPA- This is the most straight forward goal. I have 14 classes to complete my MPA and if I’m looking forward to graduating in two years, then seven classes have to be done this year. I worked a plan out with my academic advisor. My accountability- My academic advisor.

10     Increase my credit score by another 20-30 points- Okay so this is embarrassing to admit but I didn’t start looking at building my credit until the summer time. I didn’t even own a credit card. So now it is something I am very conscious of. I downloaded Credit Karma to my phone and I get monthly alerts. My accountability-personal tracker.

11     Finish year two towards my LCSW- This is connected to my savings goal. In switching my job now next month I need to make sure that I stay with my part time jobs in order to make my clinical hours. This is also where I get my extra cash from. My accountability- Connect to another goal.

12     Be consistent with Therapy- I’ve been searching for a Therapist I can connect too since my last Therapist is now my mentor/boss and I’ve been looking for the last two years to no avail. Today, I found someone I feel like I connected with. In order for me to do ANY of these goals I need to begin to process my shit show issues and life. I cannot function anymore at this space I am in. My accountability-MY LIFE, MY SELF ESTEEM, MY SELF WORTH.

This was a very uncomfortable post for me because it required a lot of insight and a lot of honesty with myself. I keep so many other people accountable, I listen to them, I push them forward and me? I just do enough to survive. I’m not living. I make so many excuses about how I don’t have time to cater to myself but I do. I use work and school as a crutch to say I’m doing this for myself and while yes motivation is a great quality, the truth is I do all this extra shit because I can, not because I want too. So if you’re reading this and you’re one of those people I dedicated myself too, guess what? You no longer fit in my bag. I can’t carry you anymore. 2019- I want to get to know who Ariel really is. If you’re reading this and you want to learn how to keep yourself accountable start looking at your goals, what your options are and break them down. Can you schedule? Can you find an accountability partner? Can you make your goals visible? How can you budget better? What personal tracking apps can you connect to your phone? What goals can you link to one another? And finally, HOW are you going to make yourself feel better about YOU?

Happy Planning :-)