Refresh. Renew. Rebuild. My road map to self accountability.

Happy New Year and Welcome Back!!! Oh how I missed you guys… I don’t want ya’ll to think I was ignoring your requests for more blogging I just been well… in a whirl spin.

For starter’s I want to say I’m sorry I haven’t written in the past three months. When I started this blog I wanted to aim to write at minimum once a month and I didn’t live up to that. I wish I could say it’s because nothing was happening and I had nothing to write about but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. 2018 was one of my hardest years man. I saw a meme the other day that said “I think I cried more in 2018 than I did in my first year of life” and boy oh boy did I feel that. I’ve noticed in my life pattern that every couple of years I go through a major shift. A great year of highs and then a year filled with a series of lows. It’s almost as if my life pattern is a bipolar female.

I started 2018 with so much promise. 2017 was a breath of fresh air for me for the most part and I was super excited to start 2018 with that same energy. I mean it started that way, as I began the New Year with a new job, living with my boyfriend, with a great circle of friends and with so many things to look forward too; but shit came tumbling down really quickly.

By the summer I was single and those months immediately after my break up were heart wrenching. I had moved like 4-5x between my then boyfriend’s house, my sister’s house, my parent’s house and finally getting my own apartment and I was frantically working myself to death to save up all this money to be able to do so. I realized my job was not the right setting for me and it became harder and harder to be the happy cheery Social Worker I was at work. I received devastating news about my daughter’s death, my family had to relive these moments in grave detail, I noticed a huge change in my friendships and in August I had a full blown mental breakdown. By the time November came, I was drained, withdrawn, was going through medical scares and I was just down right depressed. The holidays were coming, I had no desire to be festive (which is not me, I literally LOVE being Santa Claus) I gained about 15lbs because well all I was doing was watching shitty food and drinking wine every day, I think out of the seven days a week I argued 5 of those days with Juan over nonsense and I stopped talking to some of my friends just altogether, unless of course they hit me up, but those conversations were surface and minimal.

A few days after Christmas Juan and I had a very long conversation in which he basically highlighted to me that I was crumbling and not taking care of myself. He told me how I do so much for others and nothing for myself. I’m not going to lie, he pissed me off with this shit. I was like well I work three jobs, I’m starting my second master’s degree, and I take care of my house what more do you want? That’s my defensive side kicking in. But then I sat and really thought about it… When was the last time I took care of me? I took that night to cry and feel sorry for myself because I really was in this mood of “why can’t I seem to be enough for other people?” But the truth is, I’m not good enough to myself.

The next morning on Saturday I went to work and one of my 17yr old clients was so somber. She shared how she was struggling because she was so afraid of going off to College and she is so consumed with all the deadlines for College applications, homework etc., that she has completely neglected her own hobbies and she does not know what she likes anymore. She was crying because she felt like all her progress was gone. I spoke to her about the new fad of Vision Boards and how to use her artistic abilities to keep herself accountable. We discussed how to implement the same deadlines she gets at school to her own goals to keep herself accountable. The next week she game in and showed me her weekly vision board with deadlines written next to each goal and a check mark when completed. We explored what this meant for her self-esteem and how she felt about meeting her own personal goals. She was so happy that she was 70% done with her goals and only had three left for the weekend. She really inspired me.

Then it hit me… If I could help my clients reach their goals, why don’t I do the same for myself? I spent the entire evening exploring within myself “what are my goals?” “How can I practice self-care?” “How can I be better to myself?” And finally “how can I keep myself accountable?” Just for clarity, this isn’t a resolution post or one of those New Year, New Me shenanigans. I just want to share with you all the importance of being good to ourselves. It’s something I continuously preach but unfortunately never really practice. So here’s my promise to myself to do better.

Since as far back as I could remember I’ve had such a low self-esteem. I never really feel good about myself. Even now. A lot of people admire me for how hard I work and continuing my education and to be honest with you guys, I do this because I’m overcompensating. I’m at the core just not satisfied with myself and I continue to chase happiness. Sometimes in the right places, other times in the wrong places. It’s all a growing process. One thing is for sure though, I tried so damn hard to always make it look like I got my shit together and whew chile… am I here to tell ya’ll that I am a fucking mess. I keep going without taking breaks because I want to feel in control. I try to show my face for everyone in my life and their events because I want to show them I care and I don’t whine about my issues and problems to people because I don’t want them to worry and I absolutely HATE being coddled. But truthfully I am burning myself the hell out. My biggest downfall is BALANCE. I don’t know what that word means. I am so all or nothing it is ridiculous. I really have to do better. Ultimately, the reason why this reflection is so important to me is because I need to increase my self-esteem. Everyone should feel their absolute best. 

So what do ya’ll ask is on my Goals list? And how am I going to keep myself accountable? Well first I made a list of things I always say I want to do and never get around to doing. To make my list full enough that it’s worth it, but not too long that it’s unrealistic and overwhelming, I decided to make as many goals as there are months in the year. This way management of said goals is not as tedious as it would be on a weekly basis, because honestly I’m too busy for that shit, and yet I will still feel accomplished when I decide to reflect this time next year. When making my list it was pretty hard, not because I didn’t know what my goals were, but it was hard to make my goals ONLY ABOUT ME. It would totally defeat the purpose of focusing on myself when incorporating other people in to my goals list. I really had to check myself and erase a few of them once I realized I was going back to my typical behavior of putting other people first. I thought about my conversation with my client and the new fad of vision boards and considered having a vision board party but honestly, I’m tired of planning events and I just became so discouraged. So instead, I’m trying to find a way to keep myself accountable. I don’t do well with planners and all that cute stuff. I just can’t keep up on a daily or weekly basis. If you are one of those people who can this is a great tool to keep yourself accountable. I had to think a bit out of the box. Some of these goals are easier to manage than others. So let’s break them down.

Here’s my list:

1         Get my driver’s license- My parents purchased me classes last year for Christmas that I still hadn’t finished. I literally only did ½ the classes and made excuses for the rest. So I went ahead, called the school and scheduled all of my remaining my classes. This way I know they’re scheduled and I already have a set date and time to be there. Nothing is left up in the air. My accountability- Scheduling in advance.

2         Hit my goal weight and be healthier- This is going to be extremely hard for me. I love food. Food comforts me. How I eat depends on my mood. Yes I’m one of those. Anyway I decided to give up simple carbs and really drop these 15lbs. Then I’m going to seriously give it a shot at the gym. I recruited a couple of my friends and my sister as my support team to help check in with me daily. My Accountability- Having other people check in and be my partners.

3         Read 12 new books a year- This one was a pretty easy one to keep myself accountable for. I have a book list on Amazon and ordered twelve new books. I have them up on display on my shelves. I carry a book in my purse and make sure to read several pages a day. My accountability- Keeping my goal visible.

4         Take at least two vacations this year- Because of my switching jobs I didn’t take a vacation last year. I think this is partially why I’m so stressed. I already have one vacation booked. So I’m 50% there. The other one I need to book. I either A.) Gotta get over my fear of traveling alone or B.)Recruit a friend. My accountability- LOWERING MY STRESS LEVEL and getting my passport so it burns a hole in my pocket.

5         Try something new each month- This one I purposely left very broad. I would consider myself a very boring person and I’m totally missing out on new experiences. I want to try different things. New restaurants, museums, recipes, outings and experiences that I can check off my bucket list. My accountability- Making a bucket list and checking an item off monthly.

6         Write one blog post a month- This is a goal that really means a lot to me. Writing is my therapy. I struggle a lot with fighting with myself with just finding something I’m good and talented at and it really has been in my face all this time. Writing is my passion. My accountability- My followers HARASS me for new posts.

7         Practice self-care on a weekly basis- This is probably the most important one on my list. Self-care is also something that is so easy to do because there are so many options. I have decided to schedule at least two days when I can focus on ME and something that will make ME feel good. My accountability- scheduling dates with myself.

8         Hit my savings goal- This will probably be the easiest for me to do. I make a decent salary and I am very financially responsible. I have set a financial goal for myself. My plan is to put more than my expected amount in my savings account for the times that maybe I need some more wiggle room. I also moved my savings account to a make that is not very accessible so I can’t just run to the bank whenever I want to spend that money. I decided to make a budgeting spreadsheet to review my daily expenses and the nonsense I spend money on. My accountability- Budget and over plan to meet my goal.

9         Complete 7 classes towards my MPA- This is the most straight forward goal. I have 14 classes to complete my MPA and if I’m looking forward to graduating in two years, then seven classes have to be done this year. I worked a plan out with my academic advisor. My accountability- My academic advisor.

10     Increase my credit score by another 20-30 points- Okay so this is embarrassing to admit but I didn’t start looking at building my credit until the summer time. I didn’t even own a credit card. So now it is something I am very conscious of. I downloaded Credit Karma to my phone and I get monthly alerts. My accountability-personal tracker.

11     Finish year two towards my LCSW- This is connected to my savings goal. In switching my job now next month I need to make sure that I stay with my part time jobs in order to make my clinical hours. This is also where I get my extra cash from. My accountability- Connect to another goal.

12     Be consistent with Therapy- I’ve been searching for a Therapist I can connect too since my last Therapist is now my mentor/boss and I’ve been looking for the last two years to no avail. Today, I found someone I feel like I connected with. In order for me to do ANY of these goals I need to begin to process my shit show issues and life. I cannot function anymore at this space I am in. My accountability-MY LIFE, MY SELF ESTEEM, MY SELF WORTH.

This was a very uncomfortable post for me because it required a lot of insight and a lot of honesty with myself. I keep so many other people accountable, I listen to them, I push them forward and me? I just do enough to survive. I’m not living. I make so many excuses about how I don’t have time to cater to myself but I do. I use work and school as a crutch to say I’m doing this for myself and while yes motivation is a great quality, the truth is I do all this extra shit because I can, not because I want too. So if you’re reading this and you’re one of those people I dedicated myself too, guess what? You no longer fit in my bag. I can’t carry you anymore. 2019- I want to get to know who Ariel really is. If you’re reading this and you want to learn how to keep yourself accountable start looking at your goals, what your options are and break them down. Can you schedule? Can you find an accountability partner? Can you make your goals visible? How can you budget better? What personal tracking apps can you connect to your phone? What goals can you link to one another? And finally, HOW are you going to make yourself feel better about YOU?

Happy Planning :-)