Originally, when I set out to write this month, I intended on writing about "Dating in the age of Social Media," however; for whatever the reason, it just didn't call to me enough. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have noticed I am so apathetic towards dating at this point in my life. I thought once I broke up with Juan the last time, I would want to jump right back into things, but my spirit and my energy have not yet taken me down that path. I'll get there, and when I do, you guys will be the first to know about my experiences, but to be honest, my head is so far from that thought. Maybe some of that has to do with me not being 100% over my relationship, maybe some of that has to do with me focusing so much on myself, maybe some of that has to do with me wanting peace and quiet and maybe some of that has to do with being lazy and being tired of trying and "failing." For whatever the reason, I do now that dating right now is not a priority and I'm really good with that.
Recently though, something else has been weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like well, we should talk about it. Social media has had a big influence on all of our lives. Positively, negatively and just to pass the time. I do get 98% of my news from social media, I vent on social media, I praise on social media and I also feel like such a peeping tom following some of the most intimate parts of people's lives that I will never speak to again. Either way it has had it's ups and downs. What is the point of this rambling? Well, I noticed lately that I have withdrawn significantly from social media and communication with so many of my friends and family members that it seems as if I'm just ignoring the world. The truth is social media made me realize something so huge about myself about a month ago and I haven't been the same since.
When writing my last month's blogs of my goals (which I am crushing btw) I noticed that I fell into the habit of comparing myself to so many of my peers and judging my life and my goals based on their accomplishments. Touche. I found myself almost in this envious yet admiring stage of I want what "they" have. A couple of weeks ago I had my college friends over to my apartment for the first time and caught up with them since last seeing them like six months ago. (I know we suck as friends, but whatever we don't miss the important stuff and that's what counts) Anyway, so often have I sat and experienced their big moments with them and while I am happy for them, I do feel a bit of envy. I've seen them all get engaged, married, have babies, celebrate those babies birthdays, treat themselves and the families they've created to beautiful moments and it makes me so often look around and really take inventory of what I don't have. I wish I could say that this was something I could easily stop doing but it's not. I have been doing this for so long. So often will I see my friends on social media and what they post and I often think wow, she looks so happy, her wardrobe is sick, she's traveling all over, her baby is beautiful, her fiancé/husband is so dope and it makes me feel so sad for myself and so inadequate.
I often catch myself thinking "Ariel what is it that you're doing wrong that you don't live life the way they do?" This is a slippery slope for me to be on, because I start looking for more ways to fulfill myself and chase my "happy ending" and in turn I end up overwhelming myself and working myself to death. I caught myself on this very slippery slope last month with making the decision to not go to school for a second master's degree. Funny what will happen when you're honest with yourself and right up until the week I was supposed to start, I struggled with should I go. Taking the time to really think, I had this realization and profound insight that school was not something I wanted to do for MYSELF. I was going because when I was with Juan Carlos, he did not want a baby and I did and so I tried to find a way to accommodate his wants and put mine on the back burner, all while still trying to feel "accomplished." I even found myself saying in my head shit Like don't none of my friends have two master's degrees so, they can have their families but I'm out here getting degreed. Clearly, this was not the healthiest of thinking patterns.
Now, let's be clear about something, I'm not sitting around being jealous of all the people around me and constantly comparing myself to everything in their lives but the honest truth is that I do compare. Sometimes when I want to feel better about myself I take my inventory versus theirs and other times I take their versus mine when I'm trying to determine what it is that is missing. The truth is while I know (insert cliché saying here) "comparison is the thief of joy" I also know that while I'm sitting here doing this my friends are doing the exact same shit. It's human nature but such a bad ass habit to have. Trust me I know we all do this sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously but we gotta break the cycle.
A few weeks ago someone asked me "how did it feel turning 30?" And I cringed. Ughh all that came to mind were the intense bad events that happened around my birthday and that I was 30 with no partner, no kids, no property, no dream job and just felt like I disappointed myself by not living up to my expectations. So I responded "30 was eye opening. " She herself is turning 30 soon and shared that she thought her life would be different at this point too. I found it so interesting when she referenced the almighty life guru: Carrie Bradshaw. She jumped right into it and was all like remember that time on Sex and The City when Carrie said "In New York, they say, you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment. So, let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous. Why do we let the thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one minus a plus one feel like it adds up to zero?" And with me trying to help her feel better, I had my own AHA moment. I questioned why was I so hard on myself all the time? I have a really good life. One that many people would love to have. Why am I so willing to take advantage of my own good and amazing qualities and accomplishments and define my success with someone else's ruler.
Honestly, it's exhausting. Trying to catch up to your own expectations, your families expectations, your friends expectations, societies expectations. It really is never ending. Throw in social media where everyone parades their best lives and moments and now daily we're drawn in to the continuous cycle of the categorizing everyone, including ourselves as the haves and have nots.
I saw all this to say that as of lately this has been a big reason as to why I have shifted in my communication with so many people. I wish my friends, family and loved ones well and I will always clap for their success but I noticed that their lives, the good, the bad, the toxic, the successes, the failures was draining the fuck out of me. I was doing the absolute most with trying to keep up with everyone that truthfully it pushed me back, and made me obsess over every aspect of my life.
Since I have distanced myself and put boundaries, I noticed that I have started to really find peace. I'm comfortable with being alone in my own space. I don't feel rushed, I don't feel overwhelmed with everyone else's lives and I am able to wake up every day, look in my big ass beautiful mirror and clap very loudly for the powerful woman who's got it altogether looking back at me.
The best advice I can give anyone who catches themselves falling down the fire pit of comparison is to put the phone down, take a break from everyone else's life, look in the mirror and remind yourself of all the awesome things about you!
I will never get tired of clapping for my people but I definitely need to clap more for myself. In case you forgot YOU'RE THE BADDEST BITCH!
